A story about conception

pregnancyI’ve been in Japan for 10 days on a work trip and I am flying home. I am so excited to see your dad. I am hoping that life – your life – has been created inside me.

Our reunion is beautiful; just like it is after every trip. Only this time there is the added excitement of possibility; the possibility of a positive pregnancy.

You see, I am late.

I tell myself not to get too excited. Air travel can affect the body; it’s not unusual to be late after flying from a different time zone.

I am impatient. “I want to do a test,” I say to your dad.

“Why don’t we wait until tomorrow?” he suggests. I sense he is trying to protect me from potential disappointment.

The answer is no. I can’t wait a day longer. I’ve never been so excited about anything in my life.

I am crushed when the test is negative. Your dad says to be patient but I want you now.

I go to bed feeling confused. I was sure I felt differently.

**********************************************************************************

Three days later.

I do another test. My heart beats a little quicker. Is that two lines I see?

Could we really be this lucky?

I dare not believe that it could be true. There’s one line but I could be imaging the second line, so desperately I want it to be true.

I show your dad the pregnancy test. The second line is so faint he can barely see it. He’s not convinced.

It’s not my imagination is it? Is that a second blue line or just an illusion?

I make a doctor’s appointment for the next day. I go to bed willing your life to exist. Your dad remains calm. He didn’t see the second line; he’s worried I will be disappointed.

I can hardly contain my excitement once in the doctor’s surgery.

“I take it this is something you really want?” she says, knowing full well it is.

She does a test. It’s the longest minute of my life. I search her face for signs of confirmation. She squints at the stick and a frown appears.

The result is negative. I am shocked. I tell her I wasn’t imagining it. I am sure there was a line.

My body feels different. I know you are growing inside me.

She does a blood test. “Maybe you are too hydrated,” she says offering me some hope. “False negatives can happen” she explains encouragingly.

“You’ll get the results tomorrow,” she says.

I am upset by the negative result. Your dad tries to comfort me but I go to sleep feeling sad.

***********************************************************************************

The next day.

I am at work when I call the doctor’s surgery from my desk at the first available opportunity.

“I am calling to get some results. Can you check for me?” I say, nervously, still hopeful….

A few seconds of silence save for the tapping of keys on the keyboard. And then she speaks:

“I have good news for you. You are pregnant. Congratulations.”

I am giddy with the joy. I have just been given the best news of my life. Goose bumps cover my skin. I send an email to your dad. It’s the shortest email I have ever sent, containing just one word…..

Positive!

My phone rings seconds later. It’s your dad.

**********************************************************************************

And so our journey together begins. I am the happiest person in the world.

My darling Miss A, the moment you were conceived my whole world shifted. I had been given the greatest gift imaginable. And when I met you I fell in love. We both felt a fierce, vulnerable and uninhibited love, a strand of love not known to us before.

I have watched you grow into the most thoughtful, kind, curious and compassionate young girl.  You have a greedy curiosity, tempered with a quite patience and focus. I love watching your big, blue eyes blazing with life and love and joy.

To be with you is to bear witness to a profound optimism.

To speak to you is to know your sharp mind and revealing sense of humour.

To play with you is to see imagination at its most powerful and creative.

To read with you is to understand how perceptive and self-aware you are at such a young age.

To be still with you is to see your mind quietly embracing the present.

To kiss you is to feel love.

To know you is to love you and to love life more.

To call you my daughter is the greatest blessing of my life.

Happy 5th Birthday Miss A. Thank you for teaching me so much about life. Thank you for creating that second line. I love you more than words can express.

 

 

 

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6 thoughts on “A story about conception

  1. It’s amazing how you just “knew”. After a miscarriage and an ectopic pregnancy we were told to not try for about a year…….however even though contraception was used I had a “feeling” I was pregnant and did a test 5 days before my period was due (and in the afternoon) and lo and behold I was pregnant with my now 4 year old. I also knew THIS pregnancy was going to work. I love hearing stories like yours when you knew and no amount of tests could tell you otherwise. Happy birthday to your little one x

    • Oh Emma that is such a lovely story. Gosh, you poor thing experiencing a miscarriage and ectopic pregnancy. So happy for you that your bubba is now 4 years old! A woman’s intuition is a powerful thing. Yours proved right, as did mine. Thanks for sharing your story xx

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